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Stephen Colbert's Sport Report
Stephen Colbert's Sport Report (pronounced "spor repor" because It's French, bitch) is a segment of the Colbert Report which appears every few weeks (and was previously known as Stephen Colbert's Sports Update). Watching this segment is the second most athletic thing you can do while sitting on your couch. Latest Sport Reports Sport Report From October 15, 2008 * Lame Sports Edition ** China hosts many international sporting tournaments *** Olympics *** Paralympics *** Mind Games **** chess, go, * Escape From Berkeley ** Liberal Gomorrah * Baseball ** the mob "ahh'd" four times ** proves what is possible when a team renounces Satan and accepts Jesus Christ as your coach and Savior Sport report from June 17, 2008 * Ken Griffey Jr doesn't take steroids * Game 6 between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics ** NBA referee cheated during games * Timbersports ** America's best chance, Mike Forester, went through several rounds and is expected to go through more ** New Zealand kiwi lumberjacks Sport Report From June 5, 2008 * unlike most athletes, Stephen doesn't need HGH to give him a big head * not all is well ** people in other countries believe they might be winners too * a Jamaican broke the world record ** they smoke all * America lost dominance in Timber Sports (recreational deforestation!) like the Superbowl with chainsaws! ** Stumpy McGillicutty ** now alternating between 2 * Meet Mike Forrester! ** one-man lumbermill ** long line of lumbercidal maniacs ** hates New Zealand ** America's best hope to bring home the title ** a loner hero * Championship in Utah ** more fun than a barrel of monkeys--monkeys with chainsaws! Sport Report from 01-23-08 With the writers on strike, Dr. Colbert announces he will have an all Sport The Colbert Report! Stephen starts out discussing the Super Bowl and why The New England Patriots are his team: * they have the word "Patriot" in their name, * the coach wiretaps his opponents * their starting quarterback, Tom Brady, flaunted an alleged sprained ankle (the wrist of the foot) ** which is strikingly similar to Stephen's experiences with his wrist Stephen then invited Marie Wood of the Yellow Ribbon Fund to accept a specially made giant check for $171,525 American dollars, which he presented to her on behalf of the heroes and all the Official Stephen Colbert WristStrong Wrist Awareness Bracelets purchased. Next up, Stephen interviews Jeb Corliss, a BASE jumper about his weird flying suit and why he doesn't wear red, white and blue. Finally, Stephen interviews self-proclaimed ski mountaineer, Andrew McLean who doesn't understand the concept of the ski lift. Mini Sport Report from 08-02-07 This bonus Sport Report is happening because Stephen is such a big fan of sport, and he was pleased to discover that they play baseball games almost every day. Some Americans are on the verge of home run records, but can't get over the hump. One is Alex Rodriguez, also known as "A Rod" because of his resemblance to Rod Stewart. Stephen drew from his experiences in Little League and advised Mr. Rod to choke up on the bat and to stop letting his mom come to games and embarrass him. The other record chaser is Barry Bonds, who, after failing to break Hank Aaron's home run record yet again last night, ran through the streets of San Francisco screaming "BARRY SMASH!" This did bring Bonds' record number of helicopter chases up to 83. Sport Report from 07-31-07 Baseball Stephen wishes a very special Happy Birthday to Barry Bonds! Everyone should just take a chill pill about his "alleged" steroid use (and if you can't find any, Barry knows a guy). He's under so much pressure to be the best, so if he needs a little extra something to help him perform, we shouldn't have a problem with that. He's very close to breaking 2 MLB records: most home runs, and largest head circumference. Soccer There has finally been an indisputable victory for the people of Iraq: their soccer team won the Asian Cup. Vindication of America's policy in Iraq, despite the fact that none of the team's players live in Iraq and there hasn't been a home game in 17 years. It's so exciting, you should almost start caring about soccer. Dog Racing Elsewhere, a dog owner in Taxachusetts has has recently named a greyhound after Stephen. Stephen the dog easily wins every race he enters. Although the sport of dog racing is criticized for "using up" dogs; however, a factual rumor is that many tracks actually have adoption programs where hundreds of dogs get adopted by caring corporate research scientists. Sport Report from 03-22-2007 A very brave Stephen Colbert brings to light a great injustice in the world of organized sport. March Madness is apparently overrated, as Stephen's NCAA Tournament bracket is decimated, and he is currently in last place out of 37 participants in The Colbert Report Office Pool, behind Meg the Intern, Bobby the Stage Manager, even Puneet, The Report's Foreign Exchange Student and Mr. Whiskers, the Office Cat. In first place is Jimmy the Director, whom Colbert should fire just so he can move up to 36th place in the pool. Or perhaps not. Stephen declares his love of the glorious sport of cock fighting. But now, the state of Louisiana is considering passing a law banning this noble sport of kings. Add this to a ban earlier this year on cock fighting by New Mexico, and you have what can only be a growing decline of hot cock on cock action in America. Where is Stephen supposed to go to enjoy one of his favorite sports? Nicaragua? As we all know, that country has a bounty on Stephen's head. Stephen then moves on to the only sport that matters, junior league hockey, which is also America's national pastime. The Saginaw Spirit, famous for their mascot Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, are in the playoffs! A very select field, as only 16 of 20 teams in the OHL make it. The Spirit are now very close to winning the J. Ross Robertson Cup (yet another thing that should be re-named to honor Stephen Colbert). Stephen can't wait to see the Spirit players drinking out of that thing. Of course, some of the players are only 16, so no booze for them. Instead, they will just have to enjoy a victory cigarette. Saginaw faces off against the Sault Sainte Marie Greyhounds on March 23, 2007. Stephen talked to Coach Bob Mancini via the phone to find out how the players are feeling. Mancini says they are fired up. Stephen then decides to share a few radical ideas which will bring playoff victory for the Spirit. First, double the amount of forechecking in the neutral zone. Mancini guarantees this will happen. Stephen also sent a care package, and he asks that Mancini inject the contents into all of the players. It's just linseed oil....HGH is the brand name. Mancini says he will look out for the package, but warns that he has to be careful. Stephen tells Mancini not to sign for the package. Stephen also threw out the idea of pulling the goalie out of the net for the whole game and putting him on offense, going 6 on 5 for the whole playoffs, that would be a surprising move. Mancini says that he and his players would be surprised as well. Stephen asks if Mancini has seen the movie Air Bud, Mancini has not. Stephen explains what the film is about and suggests possibly putting a golden retriever on the ice. Mancini says he knows for a fact that there is nothing about that in the rules, so it theoretically could work. If Saginaw loses this game, there's no tomorrow, right! No, Mancini says that it is a best 4 out of 7 series. Which means, that if they lose, there could be anywhere from 3 to 6 tomorrows. But if they win this series, they get the Cup, right? No, to win the Cup they would have to win 3 more rounds. Which is terribly dull, but Stephen will do his best to make this sound exciting. How about this: Saginaw needs to win 16 short hockey games to win the Cup! Yeaaaahhh! Sport Report from 02-14-2007 First, something about a dog show. Bill Cosby's dog didn't win. Other than that, nothing to care about here. Second, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar. Yet another sports-related thing that isn't the Saginaw Spirit. Moving on. Third, the Saginaw Spirit have reached the playoffs, with a flat out decimation of the Belleville Bulls, who suck beyond recognition. Colbert recommends that at this point, it is now time for the Spirit to quit until the playoffs begin. You know, lie low, play dead. And then when the playoffs come around, BAM! Nail them good. Suckered those guys! Ha ha ha. Saginaw's first opportunity to try this new approach will be in a matchup with the first place Plymouth Whalers. We're not sure which part of Canada the city of Plymouth is in, but we are certain that it is the really, really sucky part. Colbert has cleared a spot on his mantle for the Ontario Hockey League championship trophy, known as the J. Ross Robertson Cup. But let's face it, whoever that J. Ross guy was, he hasn't done nearly as much for the sport of junior hockey as the great Stephen Colbert. And chances are that he's just another dirty Canadian who hates America. Seems to me like the OHL should think about re-naming that trophy the Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA Cup. Teams would like, try at least 5.2 times harder to win a trophy with a cooler name like that. Sport Report from 01-25-2007 First, something useless about Steve Nash, who plays basketball for the Phoenix Suns. But who cares? Nash is just another Canadian trying to play a real American sport. In Canada, basketball is nothing more than mounties throwing a beaver through a hole in the ice. "The Teddy Bear Incident" Speaking of Canada, things have apparently snowballed since Colbert's Sport Report from last week. As you all know, the fans of the Oshawa Generals threw teddy bears onto the ice in what was clearly an anti-Colbert demonstration in their game against the Spirit back in December. The Generals tried to play the innocent act, stating that it is a traditional annual event and the teddy bears are given to charity. Yeah, right, and Stephen is just some paranoid megalomaniac with a bloated ego and a victim complex who thinks everything in the world just spins around him. That's the simple answer. Stephen reminds everyone that the General Motors annual reports are not to be tossed onto the ice...after the first Saginaw Spirit goal...during their game against the Oshawa Generals...on Friday, January 26, 2007. The Challenge The Mayor of "Oshawa bin Laden," a Mr. John Gray, issued a challenge to Colbert during a guest appearance on KX96 - New Country FM. Were the Generals to win, Colbert would have been forced to wear an Oshawa Generals jersey for an entire show. Since the Spirit won, Oshawa will name a day "Stephen Colbert Day" in Oshawa, which is assumed to also include a parade and some form of a nice steak dinner in honor (none of that honour stuff, Canadians) of the great Colbert. Wearing a Generals jersey would have posed some problems. Since it is made in Canada, it might have burned Stephen's flesh like hot tar. In addition, the Generals already have someone who wears the number 1, a goalie by the name of Andrew Peters. Which means that Colbert would have to have been given a ridiculous number like 99 or 38 instead of his customary number 1. This is important because Stephen Colbert is number 1 in all things. Stephen worked in a nice blast of the Oshawa school board or whatever, proving his tremendous research abilities. A Call to The Coach Colbert needed to know whether or not to accept the bet. He is man enough to put his money where his mouth is, but first, he needed a little information. So he decided to talk to Coach Bob Mancini once again. Stephen asked who the Spirit are going to start against the Generals. Mancini responded, "Pyatt, Murzak, and O'Marra." There was some miscommunication between the two due to the fact that Pyatt is pronounced "pay-it" (anyone who has heard Stephen Colbert call Saginaw Spirit highlights knows this to be true) as opposed to "pie-at" which is how Mancini pronounced it. You would think that Mancini would know how to pronounce the names of his own players, but there you are. Colbert thought that Pyatt was Murzak's first name, exclaiming "Pyatt Murzak, he must be a Canadian-killing machine!" When Mancini explained that they were two different players, Colbert suggested that perhaps the two could be grafted together to form one giant super-player. Two players, one salary. It's a win-win. As all of Colbert's ideas are worth their weight in gold, we can assume that experiments are currently underway in a secret laboratory under the ice at the Saginaw Spirit home rink in order to determine whether or not Colbert's player grafting idea is feasible. Mancini told Stephen that the players were now forechecking in the neutral zone as Stephen had recommended. Colbert did not ask whether or not they were now giving 110%, but we can assume that they are. Colbert asked about a neutral zone trap, but Mancini seemed sour on the idea. Colbert told Mancini that he ordered the film Miracle via Netflix and sent it to the team. He doesn't want to give away the ending, but the movie involves hockey, and America wins. Colbert asks whether or not Mancini could shoot up his players with steroids to gain an edge and Mancini responds that at this point in the season, you have to try anything. He then ends the call with Mancini. What Will Stephen Do? Colbert asks the studio audience whether or not they should take the bet, and they cheer wildly. Stephen accepts the challenge, but decides to change the terms. If the Spirit lose and Stephen wears a Generals jersey, he will pick the show in which he wears the jersey. He warns that it may be a rerun. When the Spirit win, Stephen Colbert Day must be declared on Mayor Gray's birthday (March 20th) so he'll remember it every time he blows out his birthday candles for the rest of his life. Stephen Colbert Day was first celebrated on March 20th, 2007. Sport Report from 01-16-2007 First, something completely useless about Los Angeles and David Beckham. And, something about a pair of Armani pants saying Beckham is coming here to be an actor. Just another example of how useless Dutch news agencies are when they use some fashion designer dude as a source for a sports story. Now, on to the Ontario Hockey League!! The Saginaw Spirit have slumped as of late, but Stephen takes full credit. He's been distracted, what with Christmas, the wars, and the election to deal with. He's been letting the team down. Now, on to the Spirit matchups for this week. Recently at a game in Oshawa, Ontario, the fans of the city known as "Oshawa bin Laden" tossed teddy bears onto the ice in some sort of unholy anti-Colbert demonstration. A measured response is needed. Oshawa's team is known as the Generals, who are named for General Motors, as they have a headquarters in that city. They just built a new arena, but with the way things are going, its going to get shut down and stripped for parts. Colbert is unimpressed by the company's lackluster 3rd quarter earnings report (which was recently released). Fans from Saginaw are discouraged by Stephen (wink wink nudge nudge) to toss General Motors' annual stockholders report onto the ice at the Generals vs. Spirit game on January 26. The document can be found in handy PDF format courtesy of the Colbert Nation website. Get printing, heartland! Sport Report from 12-5-2006 First, something about a controversy in college football over something known as the BCS formula - the Championship is between Florida and Ohio State. Stephen offered a complicated explanation of the situation, complete with diagrams and arrows, and then settled for a very simple explanation - the teams are from the two states, Florida and Ohio, who sent the Greatest President Ever to office in 2000 and then back again in 2004. But who really cares about college football. Let's move on and talk about the greatest sport ever, minor league hockey. The Saginaw Spirit have lost three games in a row after going on an unbelievable Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle induced charge to the top of the Ontario Hockey League. Stephen talked to Coach Bob Mancini about this problem in an interview via telephone. Mancini wants Colbert to give the Spirit another pep talk. Colbert says that the Spirit need to forecheck in the neutral zone. Mancini says that the Spirit are currently giving 101%, and Colbert says the Spirit need to give another 9% which will take them up to the required 110%. Now, some trash talking. Sault Sainte Marie "sainte" gonna beat the Saginaw Spirit! Their town is named after a saint whose miracles were apparently dubious at best. Take that, Sault Sainte Marie! Colbert concluded his call with Mancini by declaring that his latest piece of trash talk was worth a 2 game sweep right there, and he implored Mancini to tell the boys to go win one for the Steagle. Lupica Interview on 11-30-2006 Not a full Sports Update/Report on this particular episode, but Stephen Colbert and his interview guest Mike Lupica briefly discussed the Saginaw Spirit and their upcoming games against fellow Ontario Hockey League teams the Kitchener Rangers and London Knights, and Stephen boasted of his cred as a sportsman by name-dropping Thar Steagle. Sport Report from 11-2-2006 Note: The segment now has a new name: Stephen Colbert's Sport Report. The Saginaw Spirit continue their winning ways, with victories over the Plymouth Whalers, Sault Ste. Marie Greyhounds, and Toronto Saint Michael's Majors, whose mascot is apparently a coat rack. Colbert notes that the Spirit are the Kingston Frontenacs of merchandising, since they appear to offer the same things every other team offers. Colbert gives the Spirit some awesome ideas. *The Spirit sell temporary tattoos. Since they are temporary, a temporary tattoo is something worn by a bandwagon fan. Instead of temporary tattoos, they can get Killer to give everyone permanent tattoos. Well, just adults. *Since only adults can get tattoos, the new Colbert-inspired Spirit Store will also be selling Fake IDs. *Eagle feather bridal gowns for the ladies *Teething hockey pucks (non-toxic, of course) for the steaglets. Sports Report from 10-18-2006 The Saginaw Spirit swept their three game road trip, bringing their record to 6-0 since renaming their mascot, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, after Stephen. Stephen predicted a three game sweep and HE CALLED IT! The sweep included an 8-1 pounding of the Kingston Frontenacs''frontenac'' is French for 'bend over and take it, bitch' Tough matchups this week, Nation. So let's make sure we talk some smack. Take that, Brampton! You suck, Sarnia Sting (and so does Sting)! Owen Sound, a nice city, but their mascot is a godless killing machine (see: Owen Sound Attack). And then a clip that couldn't be rolled about some baseball game. Sports Update from 10-9-2006 Biggest story in sports is: The Saginaw Spirit won both games over the weekend, bringing their record to 3-0 since renaming their mascot, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, after Stephen. Before the Steagle showed up, the Spirit hadn't won a single game all year. Go Fightin' Steagles!!! Stephen Colbert loves hockey. Its kind of like baseball. Or something. If your newspaper doesn't cover the Ontario Hockey League, call them up and complain. Stephen predicts a sweep of the Spirit's three game road trip. Notes